I really don’t believe the extent of my naughtiness sometimes…..Honestly. Last time I wrote, Mum was coming to stay and I was hoping for a nice civilised weekend where I wouldn’t (and I quote here) “ end up in a smoky sweaty club by accident.” Well I didn’t. But I did end up in a smoky sweaty after hours drinking hole filled with scary townies in Ben Sherman shirts sucking on lollies cos they were e’d off their stupid faces. Once there I tried to make the most of it by introducing my mum to the delights of tequila slammers. (Possibly hoping that the tequila would dim the pain of the shite music they were playing.) The tequila was definitely a BAD idea in hindsight……..

At first my actions were relatively minor, like laughing loudly and nastily in people’s faces and going up to the DJ and shouting “WHY WON’T YOU PLAY ANY HIP-HOP?” every five minutes. But soon I found myself in the toilets snogging a lesbian and actually quite enjoying it. That is, until my mum walked in on us.

Oooooh that was such a bad moment.

Can’t believe I managed to come out to myself AND my mum in the same instant. Although actually I haven’t so much come out as jumped headfirst back IN to the closet. You see, although I can clearly remember enjoying it at the time, I can only feel disgust when I think about it now. It is either because…..


She was a bit minging (I think she might have been.)

I was just pissed (Certainly true, but when am I not??)

I am homophobic (I can’t be can I? I’m a committed Fag Hag)

I just like snogging people(Possibly the answer. There were no feathercuts in there remember, and I’d rather snog a dyke than a townie)


Ah well, I’m sure I’ll figure it out sooner or later. I have had quite a civilised weekend though, apart from that little glitch. I went to see the Anish Kapoor piece at Tate Modern, which totally blew me away. It is just such a stunning piece, so visceral and alive. I hardly ever react to visual art like that, so it was a bit of a treat. Then we went to the matinee of Mum’s the Word at the Albery. (Very fitting I know). That is a really quite touching show, and also very funny. Jenny Éclair was fantastic. Actually they all were. It was a really strong cast. I had to go to work after that, but Mum came and sat in for the performance so that was ok.

Tonight I’m going to meet the girls for delicious Waggamamma’s dinner and then we’re going to a comedy night at Moonlighting in Soho. Shaz, Fuad and Dave are coming too and it’ll be nice for them to meet the girls properly. Me and Lorny are hoping that Noel Fielding, that God of Feathercut stand up will be performing. It’s a special night where established comics just turn up and perform new material. This means it will either be really shit or very special. (Or just especially shit). Should be fun though.

Then on Wednesday we’ve got Kila Kella and Public Enemy and then Candybox. And on Friday we’re going to see the Faint and then on to Bedrock. Ooooo it’s gonna be the best week EVER. I love life…………..

Oh My God……….I have had the maddest few days. My brain appears to have turned into some type of soup and I can’t summon up the energy to write properly so here’s a quick recap. In the last week I have:

Lost my bankcard, got a new one and then lost that too.

Seen four bands and a theatre show.

Been to a multi-arts event in hackney

Been to the After Skool club and Candy box

Blown ALL my savings

Consumed approximately; 13 pints, four cocktails (mojitos), nine whiskeys, a litre of vodka (belonging to lorny who is on holiday) and half a litre of brandy. Oh, and two joints which is strange behaviour cos I hate smoking weed.

Not eaten hardly anything at all

Smoked a kazillion roll ups

Thrown up in club toilets purely so I could drink more whiskey.

Stumbled onto the nightbus five minutes away from home only to end up in fucking Stratford.

Missed my plane to the highlands of Scotland. (Bad Jess)

Been to the curry house for breakfast on a Sunday morning.

Made friends with a DJ who is just like Richard E Grant in Withnail and I.

Missed my appointment with my personal trainer at the gym. (Good, who needs a fucking personal trainer anyway??)

Left Boo waiting for me outside After Skool for an hour and 20 minutes while I stumbled around in the club doing fuck knows what. (Bad Jess)

Pulled a delicious feathercut. (Ah yes, maybe THAT’S what I was doing in there)


So, as you can see, since Boo moved in we have wasted no time in consummating our regained flatmate status in the traditional style, ie…. getting completely off our faces every night of the week, never going to bed and never missing an opportunity for a social or cultural event. Now, this is very fun for sure, but I think I may die soon. It’s ok though, cos my mum’s coming to stay this weekend so hopefully we can do nice civilised things and I can chill out a bit and I won’t find myself in a smoky sweaty club by accident at any point.

Am not commenting on the war on purpose by the way. Except that I just did. I’m so fucking angry with Tony Blair for totally ignoring his people, it just makes you feel completely and utterly powerless. I don’t even want to think about it. Maybe that’s why I’ve spent the last week or so in an alcohol induced haze…..Nah more like I just love being in an alcohol induced haze. Which I most certainly do.

Anyways, time to sign off as I’ve gotta go and photocopy about a thousand flyers before the team arrive. (Photocopying is all I can manage today….sorry boss) Then am meeting Rix for coffee and muffins and a fat slice of humble pie, as it was him I was meant to meet in the highlands on Sunday morning.

The girls and I have come up with a fantastic new concept concerning men………. ‘heaviness’. The term ‘heaviness’ simply provides a word for that certain something that us ladies have always pursued in the men that we admire.
Let me clarify: A man either has or hasn’t got heaviness. Although the term seems to refer to body mass, height and weight it is not altogether dependant on these attributes. To be heavy does not guarantee heaviness. Although these things, together with posture, can influence it, it is more that certain manly something that some guys have. It’s probably related to hormones actually.
This is a brilliant concept and has given us hours of fun, dividing up our exes, famous men, male friends and men that we currently fancy into those that have got heaviness and those that haven’t. Surprisingly, although it is very desirable for a partner to have heaviness, quite a few of mine, (including the major one), haven’t.

Some examples (famous and non famous mixed):

Men who have heaviness:

· Marlon Brando (Probably original king of heaviness, think streetcar and you’ve got it)
· Aidan from Sex and the City
· Mr Big from Sex and the City
· My friend Lee
· Scott from the forest
· Dermott O Leary
· Dan from Eastenders
· Eddie Izzard
· The lead singer from Black Rebel
· Grant Mitchell
· Liam Gallagher (Regrettably)
· The one from Sweet Home Alabama (Reese Witherspoon film, really delicious)
· Eminem (and also Dr Dre)
· Most bassists from all bands ever created. (You see… posture)
· Heathcliff from Wuthering heights
· Brad Pitt (Especially in Seven)



Men who do not have heaviness:

· Steve from Sex and the City
· Johnny Depp
· Jared Leto (But that doesn’t mean I don’t still love him)
· My friend Dave
· Marc Bolan
· My ex Dan
· Craig David (He’s a heaviness try-hard)
· Bob from the Forest. (Although he is possibly on his way to developing some. Yes, it can be developed, but not through trying.)
· Snoop Dogg
· Tony Blair
· My friend Liam
· Vernon Kay
· David Bowie
· Craig, Lorny’s mate who I had a fling with.
· George Formby
· Roots Manuva

Well this week has been fairly enlightening.

It was our staff party on Monday and of course I was the last one to leave. Me and my good friend Dave (who I slept with in October) persuaded the 80’s road show school disco DJ to play some Hip Hop and then proceeded to grind together AND teach my marketing manager to moonwalk. God it actually still hurts to think about it and it’s Thursday. Dave and I then had a long and emotional discussion in Trafalgar Square concerning our love/lust/generic feelings for each other. I found myself using unbelievable clichés such as: “You need a nice girl to settle down with, I’ll only hurt you etc etc” They did seem fitting though as I had just spent the weekend sleeping with my other best boy mate Lee, who was staying for the weekend. But that’s another story……… Whatever. I really don’t think I’m girlfriend material for anyone right now as I’m just too damn self obsessed and sex crazed. My libido could no way cope with just one guy. (No way, that sounds really vile and masculine)

Anyway, God paid me back last night when I asked Captain Egg to give me a trim and she cut all my hair off. And I’m not joking either. It is a real crisis. By the time I get it styled professionally it’ll be a bob and I hate that hair length. Ah well, such is life.

I am absolutely starving cos I’ve given up meat for lent. And also drinking in the house. I think I’m gonna go get some food now before starting set-up for the concert.

Ooooooh, I nearly forgot. Am really excited. Its Boo’s Bday tomorrow and we’re all going out to Our Disco at plastic people. It’s gonna be sooo fun. Then on Saturday we’re all going for Ellie’s leaving meal in that little Vietnamese place off Old street and then to some pubs. Then, we’ve been invited to Rod Stewarts mansion in Essex for a party cos I met his PA, Steve, in a bar last week. I don’t think I’ll go though. We might get to the end of the central line to find out the guy was full of bullshit. Ah, it’s gonna be a lovely weekend during which I will not sleep with any of the following: Strangers, bi-sexuals, drummers, bassists or best mates. Hooray!!!

Now for food……..