*Phewph* Mr and Mrs Turtle are no longer homeless.

Big massive shout out to all the wonderful friends who have provided food, shelter, electricity, washing facilities, job interviews, love and/or all of the above! The biggest shout out goes to Boo, who has provided us with a new interim home while we sort ourselves out. What a rock star. Now all we need to do is secure employment.

Amongst other things, the last couple of months have taught me:

Living without electricity or running water is romantic only for the first five days or so.

People who profess to be workmen may in fact be lying bastard fucking cunters.

Always, always, always steer your boat away from the reeds, even if the engine is smoking and you need to pull over.

If you are contemplating a flight of 11 locks, make sure you wear a raincoat and try to set off before 3pm.

Check your propeller shaft constantly.

Hot Polish ladies make excellent crew, as do Opera singers.

Radio is a good friend and runs off a 10v system.

Two people can live in central London on a budget of £4 a day, but you may get hungry.

Canalside pubs with moorings are excellent for picking up crew.

There are no jerry cans in Northholt.

Devotchka gigs are even more euphoric if you are drinking red wine you sneaked in under your coat.

Being poor can result in seriously bad blisters on one’s feet.

Never pass a stranger in need without offering help, especially if they are pikeys with an engineless boat who appear to be potential knife crime victims.

Booze is an absolute essential in dark times, and dependency is quick to creep up.

And lastly: When the boat floods - abandon ship and do not look back.