Last night, Helsy threw a huge whitey at around 9.45pm as a result of wine, Japanese food and spliffs. As she leant over the toilet bowl retching, she mumbled repeatedly that she was a bad best man. I reassured her that she was the finest best man that Turtle could wish for.

I almost retracted those reassurances when she proceeded to clean her teeth...in the toilet bowl itself. Hideous. There is something intrinsically wrong in this behaviour.

However, she cheered me up this morning when we played Victorian naked peep show through her bedroom window as she got ready for work...

So all is usual in the house of rats.