I was very very naughty this weekend and there are certain things I won't be putting on here as they are not fit for public consumption. All I will say is it involved a replica 9mm gun, "bat country" ie Oxford street at 4am on a Sunday morning, a hot dog vendor who claimed to be in the FBI or some such thing and a blonde wig.

Anyway, right, went to this party on Saturday with Helsy at my friend Tim's new house in Honour Oak Park. It was massive and posh as he has rich friends. There was some art on the wall that reminded me very much of one of the pieces at Burning Man. I was a bit dissapointed when Tim said I couldn't play with it.

It was a Tarantino theme so my Gladiator outfit didn't quite work. (oh no, actually they were my normal clothes.) Everyone there seemed to be....

A) 17 years old
B) called Oscar, Archibald or Jeremy, and
C) very fucking gullible.

We told them that Helen was the mother of one of the girls at the party and their response was - "Oh yar, that's amazing - you must be at least 40, how have you kept your looks?" To which she replied "I've pickled myself in alcohol darlings."

I unexpectedly spent most of the night in the garden on the phone to a certain gorgeous someone ( fucking result) and when I went back in, Helen was scaring the young people by waving a gun in their faces as they snorted MDMA off the kitchen worksurface whilst shouting "Mumsy doesn't like it!" She was wearing a brown wig which did indeed make her look about 40 and also had found some stage blood from somewhere and painted her lips with it.

I decided at that point maybe we should bust a move so we went out into the night with our spoils and got a lift off a charming gentleman thief who picked us up at the bus stop. He explained about what he did for a living on the way to New Cross but said it was ok as he would never "Do over his own" (I think he meant us, worryingly.)

To cut a long story short, we spent about 3 hours on public transport, roamed about the West End being naughty & dangerous and never made it to the second party.

Yesterday was nice, ate good food, cleaned the house and went and played in two adventure playgrounds with Hels and Richie. Watched the sun set whilst perching on a trampoline trying to scavenge chips off kids.

This week I am going to behave like a responsible adult, embrace sobriety and maybe embark on a passionate fling. Just maybe...we'll see.

Tonight we are going to learn Spanish and play Badminton. Which is nice.