So Turtle and I toddled along to a small family dinner on Saturday in St Martin’s Crypt....... only to find that it was not a small family dinner at all, it was a huge fuck-off surprise party complete with turtle themed cake, ceremony, speeches, indie DJ, balloons, childhood photos on the walls, wedding DVD screenings, tons of champagne and more presents than we could shake a stick at.

Organised by my Mum, Hels & Boo with equal amounts of deceit and love, it was the most fabulous night I have ever had and we feel very cherished indeed. Thankyou so much ladies, you really are wonderful.

The range of guests was just mindblowing. The burners were there, as was our landlord. Family members we have not spoken with for five years rubbed shoulders with my (now yardie) ex-staff. Add that to old bosses, best mates from school, parents of best mates from school, mates from the festival scene, mates off the indie scene, exes, close family, extended family, rats (of course!) and you get what can only be described as “This is Your Life.”

Highlights include but are not limited to:

My 11 year old brother’s face as he encountered his first ever six-foot glam tranny. (Courtney Cuntface)

My dad calling Turtle a drunken bastard – This means he has accepted him

My mum bopping about with the rats in a cyber dread hairpiece

My Uncle Frankie saying that our children are going to save the world

My mum donning my Dad’s cowboy hat so that her speech would be a joint effort

Turtle’s Dad parading about in Dougal’s el-wire Admiral jacket

Everyone – parents included - dancing with their shoes off to the Libertines at the end of the night

Spending lots of quality time with my Sargent and my husband after everyone else had crashed out.

Turtle’s Dad describing me as “a meteorite that came into their lives” in his speech – rather diplomatic considering.

My heavily pregnant sister in-law risking a cockney baby by being there.

My brother behaving with the most decorum a Josef can display.

The rats outlasting everyone – of course they did....

Spending the evening with (almost) everyone that I love most in the world - what more could I ask for?

And oh yes, our first dance......