A typical day in the life of Captain Muffin.

(This is what life is like if you live on a boat, haven’t got a telly and have too fucking much to achieve before the winter sets in/the Apocalypse happens.)

• 6.30am – Alarm goes off. Moan at Turtle to make coffee. Drink coffee, bumble about boat rubbing eyes.

• 6.45am – Run up towpath to gym. Continue training programme in running and strength for forthcoming new breed zombie apocalypse. (Personal best time so far – 3 kilometres in 22 minutes, need to double that speed as well as distance)

• 8.24am – Pack onto commuter train to work. Attempt not to read propaganda wagon free-of-charge papers. Fail.

• 9.30am – Arrive in office. Look at images of craft objects, make coffee, gossip about people in the sector, create systems, research self sufficient, isolated living online, adjust project plan due to problems, file pieces of paper, discuss art, chase up images of contemporary craft objects, worry about New Breeds, have “catch-ups”, eat food, adjust project plan due to problems, create mail merge, leave office.

• 6.10pm – Pack onto commuter wagon home. Attempt not to read propaganda wagon free-of-charge papers. Fail. Discuss respective days with husband. Fall foul of non-Christian people hating as response to commute, sometimes to the point of pushing strangers in the back. Feel guilty.

• 6.45pm - Arrive back on boat. Drink neat whisky, (sorry Dougal, the Abour is being quaffed) smoke roll up, gossip with neighbours.

• 7.15pm – Put dinner on.

• 7.30pm – Sand rusting superstructure of boat, manually, ready for painting. (Must buy sander or it’s going to take fucking years).

• 8.30pm - Eat dinner.

• 9.00pm – Sand some more, perched on the gunwhales, get told by “helpful” passer by that we should be using a power sander. I know that matey, now fuck off out of my face.

• 10.00pm - Water plants, play some tunes with husband, gossip with neighbours.

• 10.10am - Check septic tank level and water tank level.

• 11.00pm – go to bed, comfort read some Irvine Welsh (Glue), snuggle.

• Midnight – Fall asleep, dream about new breeds.