Oh dear. I have not slept at all, dogged by recurring dreams of a drifting boat with no ropes to tie her up.

Not surprising really as Turtle and I took XJ on her maiden voyage across the basin last night and did not enjoy it at all. She constantly spun out of control and we very nearly crashed into: Another narrowboat, Liam and Ailsa’s new boat, the fuck-off dutch barge belonging to the marina warden, a large weir, and the Thames lock. In that order. People were coming out of their boats just to push our boat away.

Narrowboats are ridiculously designed and impossible to manouver. They drift shockingly large distances at the slightest breeze, they spin on a middle axis and they do not have brakes. None of this is good when trying to get a 52 footer diagonally across a basin after reversing out of a tight spot.

It was only by the love of God that we made it back to our mooring. The yoof in the flats above had an hour and a half’s entertainment, but my nerves are shot to pieces. It took me two glasses of wine and three roll ups before my legs would stop shaking.

Any ideas of taking her on the Thames have been quashed for the foreseeable. We must have been mad to think of it.