So, it's now 7.30am. The grey dawn has infiltrated the East End. Am still awake, drinking leftover Sangria while everyone sleeps and it seems like as good a time as any to write about what happened at Burning Man. It's hard to encapsulate what really happened so here's a random catalogue of events...

At Burning Man I....

Passed out from the heat in a garbage trailer.

Drank incredible amounts of whisky.

Revelled in 40mph winds and chased dust devils.

Rode through the city singing my heart out with the Sargeant.

Ate dust.

Became E-tarded.

Cried.

Laughed.

Got married by a Buddhist whore to a blinky, fluffy, cross-dressing Hunter S. Thompson impersonator in front of the entire camp.

Attended a Ceilidh.

Shadow danced to Heart of Glass on a huge screen.

Chilled in a jacuzzi on a bus under the hot hot sun whilst swigging neat tequila

Consumed Bitch Snacks. (Fucking excellent invention)

Went to work and placed art

Pole danced with my husband on a mushroom.

Saw lots of fire

Washed the Sergeant after she washed me. (Beautiful bonding experience)

Participated in war on Camp Apokalyptika and became Captain Muffin.

Smelt sage burning.

Marvelled at Colossus

Cheated on my husband with a beautiful, perfect gentleman wearing a fur coat called Siverdan.

Became a regular at Pillow Fight Club.

Got kicked out of Pillow Fight club for snogging a random Irishman.

Roamed the Playa with a member of my family who was tripping so much they thought that an octopus installation was a "crocodile donkey."

Attended a Burlesque S & M vampire bar for my wedding night.

Visited Dicky in his box.

Danced at a ragga party

Rode inside a blue pig which was accessible by drawbridge

Caught my husband cheating on me with two ladies on a sofa in the middle of the desert whilst I bounced on a box dressed as a fairy.

Went to a beatles night at Club Verboten and rocked the place.

Adopted a new little brother whom I adore.

Went to a saloon

Watched my friends fight members of Camp Apokalyptika at the Thunderdome

Bounced on a UV trampoline under the stars wearing a Tutu.

Bounced on a non-UV trampoline with three naked men under the sun.

Perched on a toilet wearing aforementioned tutu whilst random men unfairly berated me and the Sargeant killed herself laughing.

Was tortured in the confessors chair

Listened to the most beautiful rendition of Ave Maria at the temple burn.

Fell in love with most people I met, and indeed the whole fucking thing, but more importantly than that - made some truly life-long friends, which I was not expecting at all....