Diary

2009-04-19T11:10:00.005Z

Mr & Mrs Turtle's new home. Moved in yesterday at 1500 hrs. Fucking loving it.

2008-09-08T10:40:00.002Z

This weekend I drank herb tea, went to see Matthew Bourne's reworking of Dorian Gray (amazing), made nut roast to an original 70s recipe. I listened to Radio 4 and read the Observer. I went for a stroll in Dulwich Woods and ate pancakes with ricotta and figs for breakfast. I liked it. It was calm and I did a lot of thinking and spent precious time with the lovely Boo. I now feel good this morning

2008-08-18T15:57:00.000Z

*Phewph* Mr and Mrs Turtle are no longer homeless.Big massive shout out to all the wonderful friends who have provided food, shelter, electricity, washing facilities, job interviews, love and/or all of the above! The biggest shout out goes to Boo, who has provided us with a new interim home while we sort ourselves out. What a rock star. Now all we need to do is secure employment.Amongst other

2008-07-17T09:26:00.005Z

RIP Jan Maloney. You taught a generation of rats that it is indeed possible for women to be independent, strong, inspiring, bratty and camp all at once. Tales of inappropriate behaviour such as you going out raving with your hair in pigtails would always entertain. They were usually relayed by your daughter, who is so dear to me, with an indulgent roll of the eyes and the starting phrase: “My

2008-06-02T14:11:00.002Z

Horrorshow!! Proper horrorshow, mind. Innit?I was going to write this whole post in Nadsat and then I realised that only a complete cunt would do that.At the moment it’s all about the consumption. Joyful consumption until replete with other people’s cultural churnings, with only a smattering of guilt that I am not churning out any of my own: Persepolis, Russell Brand’s Booky Wook, Interview with

2008-02-15T10:52:00.000Z

2008-02-11T12:53:00.000Z

Our new boiler has started having mini explosions when we turn the hot tap on. They are at a level that rattles the windows throughout the boat, but nothing has caught fire as yet. It did burn the hairs off my forehead via the pilot light peephole on Saturday.Perhaps it’s the Burner in me, but I find this slightly exciting & interesting rather than worrying. It was only when I called my Mum and

2008-01-30T09:34:00.000Z

This is the highest point in the South of England and I climbed it on Saturday with a group of people which included a man wearing formal shoes with the heel flapping off and a bulldog called Mutley. Standing on top of that rock formation being battered by the January wind with Dartmoor at my feet was quite literally a world away from the teeth-numbing sponge-legged hatch-spewing

2008-01-18T11:52:00.000Z

I quite fancy Stan off American Dad. Is that bad? There's just something about him.Tomorrow, I am going to a 60th birthday party for which the invite challenged - "See if you can party as hard as a pensioner." As it's the Right Hon Rev Zero hosting and the Lady Zootie as bday girl, I am beaten before I even fucking attempt it. I am going to wear my tail and try and channel some Hunter S. to help

2008-01-16T15:01:00.000Z

It’s inspirational, at the moment. God (he/her/it/whatever) seems to be present almost everywhere:In the teachings of Master Hatsumi and the philosophy of the BujinkanAt the baptism of a friend’s daughter on SundayAt the wedding of an old friend on Monday and in the vows they tookIn the concept of Brahman & AtmanIn the bravery of dear friends when faced with tragedyIn the Messianic Jew Turtle and

2008-01-14T11:18:00.000Z

Strange times afloat….I am currently reviewing why (and indeed, if) I am a burner. It is not to go partying, dress up and take drugs, *huge fucking yawn*, although this is what seems to currently be en vogue in the UK burner scene.If that was my aim, then I would be a raver. Which, my dears, is a lifestyle I deciseively and happily left behind, 8 long years ago, on Millennium eve. Ending up at a

2007-12-17T09:56:00.000Z

"How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this! I'm a trained actor, reduced to the status of a bum! I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones."Hahahahahahahaha! Never have

2007-12-13T10:15:00.000Z

So this morning I was scraping ice off the INSIDE of my boaty windows. Then I had a shower. This was such a hideous experience that I am ashamed to say it made me cry like a puppy being tortured.How am I gonna be like Sarah Connor if a little bit of ice makes me cry? What will I do on Z day….snivel and beg the New Breeds for mercy and a warm towel? I better toughen up, and quick.Last night, Tyler

2007-12-06T11:12:00.000Z

This is a picture of a man called Warra, a stranger, smoking out of our duck hatch on a Sunday morning.Me and Turtle are both in love with him and I am sure you can see why. He turned up in the pouring rain about 9am, the morning after decom like a mini Chris Rock whirlwind and created the best carry-on EVER with his supplies of naughty medicine, thirst for whisky and continual diatribe of jokes

2007-11-30T15:59:00.000Z

Hooray, Hoorah, it's decom tommorrow!!!! We are hosting a fashion show, I am wearing feathers and postcards, Turtle is a See Monsta, Beave and Pepski are in our spare cabin and it's all going to be completely spiffing!!!Yip Yip let the year begin....I'm gonna get Pie and Mashed.A toast in advance to absent blinky kings. Dougal we love ya, I hope Western Australia is coping alright and look

2007-11-23T10:57:00.000Z

Going to MESStival tonight in Brizzol. A grand reunion for all of us who have flogged flavoured air, nitrous or ephedrine over the summer to stupid punters with too much cash and not enough consumer savvy.Innit?

2007-11-22T10:02:00.000Z

I am well tired.I lay in bed last night after a 12 hour shift with two taxing functions couching my day:1) Breakfast with member of the Treasury.2) Private view of homeless people's art.As my eyelids drooped closed, I tried to ignore the persistent metronome-like drip in the engine room. However, being the type of girl who is naturally para as fuck, this was in no way possible. I pulled on

2007-11-12T12:16:00.000Z

Yesterday was such a perfect day that we jokingly said we should not bother having kids. To be honest, I think I meant it. At the moment, there is only room in this marriage for two…well, three if you count the boat. (Which we do)I was so happy at having been randomly blessed with the perfect Sunday that I shall record it here for prosperity, and when I am sleep deprived, haggard, wearing

2007-11-05T13:59:00.000Z

Yay yay yay yay yay! I am doing this on NYE. With dear dear burners. Invitation extended to those who are willing/able to indulge in some Steampunk sorcery and insane tea drinking.Boomshanka.

2007-10-31T10:50:00.000Z

I am overwhelmed with excitement regarding the seasonal change. The lifestyle we have chosen lends itself well to the onset of winter. Went cruising on Sunday. Hels, Ali G and I sipped on wine by the woodburning stove all gossipy and contented, whilst the pork crackled in the oven. Outside, the rain poured down (on Captain Turtle at the tiller - brave hero that he is ) and the grey canal drifted

2007-10-29T10:46:00.000Z

2007-10-11T09:39:00.000Z

PMT + Fahrenheit 9/11: One very unhappy, sobbing, soggy Muffin.Oestrogen is an interesting hormone. Last time I watched that film I fell asleep, bored. This time I cried uncontrollably from the moment the black people got ignored until the credits rolled.

2007-10-09T09:35:00.000Z

Khaled Hosseini’s A Thousand Splendid Suns left me incandescent with rage. I know I should leave Islam alone - due to past relationships it remains a personal issue for me – but I just keep picking at it.The proverbial scab that won’t heal.

2007-09-21T09:26:00.000Z

So last night I was just settling down to a Bleach and Polish Frenzy with Marigolds when there was a knock on the hatch. I popped my head out and there stood Woodman from Black Rose (sexy widebeam up the other end) offering us a brand new telly DVD combo machine. As our DVD is on it's last cheap Taiwanese legs and pissed me off the other night by constantly freezing the more beautifully depraved

2007-09-14T09:39:00.000Z

Hmmm...looking at everyone's photos and smiling tearily is not a good use of office time. Or any time at all for that matter.However, a long and informative chat with my Sargeant last night left me so happy I was unable to sleep and lay there in the dark smiling and occasionally pinching Turtle out of spite. (We have no electric at the moment due to boating fiascos too tedious to go into right

2007-09-13T08:49:00.001Z

I am learning to speak Swan. Last night I had two of them jumping up and eating out of my hand - literally. It was lovely. Gonna be a Swan whisperer.Turtle got scared and ran in the boat. Ha!

2007-09-11T12:48:00.000Z

Saw (ie drooled over) Alan Cumming as a transvestite, gold-kilted Dionysus in a fantastic production of the Bacchae last night. He was just about the hottest thing I have seen on stage or screen for a long, long time. *sigh*Left the theatre wishing I was a Maenad, I reckon I would have been pretty good at it.On a slightly less wild note, it's our wedding anniversary today. We are still so happy,

2007-09-07T16:56:00.000Z

Two posts in one day...a rare occurence indeed! However, I feel compelled to, as have just seen next year's theme on the BM website:"The American Dream!" (Without flag worshipping or burning, you understand.)WTF? I have recently watched a LOT of American Dad and find it almost impossible to respond to this theme with any gravity.Clever bastards.

2007-09-07T15:09:00.000Z

So I was just carrying 5 litres of Red Oxide primer, 10 litres of Ocean Deep gloss and 2 simulated mohair rollers through Soho, whimpering as I did so, and narrowly avoiding taking the heads off chinese toddlers (it was fucking well heavy) when my 1950s repro circle skirt blew over my head exposing my pants.As my hands were otherwise engaged carrying 5 litres of Red Oxide primer and 10 litres of

2007-09-06T08:50:00.000Z

This past week has seen me twitchy, irritable to the point of frequent explosion, gloomy and murderous with that all too familiar doom pit in my stomach. Turtle and I have argued more than ever before – mainly my fault of course. On top of which I have been sleeping deeply at 10.30pm every night and have had no energy to do anything at all after work.Yup, missing Burning Man was as bad as

2007-08-17T13:48:00.001Z

Yeah yeah I know. Everyone's leaving for the burn in the next few days and isn't that exciting.No it isn't actually. It's fucking crap.

2007-08-09T09:03:00.000Z

I have rather rashly decided to host my Dad’s 70th birthday Chez Turtle, which means that come Friday three generations of motley Josef crew will be winging their way down the M4 squashed in the back of my brother’s white van on top of an old mattress. How the boat will contain them all I don’t know but it will be fun finding out…Minor problemette occurred last night when with a tank full of

2007-08-02T17:27:00.000Z

I have grown 4 figs and 7 apache chillis - despite armageddon. I have borne fruit. All on my own. How exciting and, well, fruitful...

2007-07-31T11:33:00.000Z

Entry for Turtle or: 11 reasons why my husband fucking rocks. 1) He genuinely appreciates how amazing my new polka dot vintage stilettos are. 2) He brings me home red roses. 3) He never ever judges me or makes me feel guilty about my behaviour, even when it

2007-07-20T11:21:00.000Z

A typical day in the life of Captain Muffin. (This is what life is like if you live on a boat, haven’t got a telly and have too fucking much to achieve before the winter sets in/the Apocalypse happens.) 6.30am – Alarm goes off. Moan at Turtle to make coffee. Drink coffee, bumble about boat rubbing eyes. 6.45am – Run up towpath to gym. Continue training programme in running

2007-07-19T14:40:00.000Z

These sweet little rings by an Italian artist just dropped into our inboxes as contenders for the show.... Cue much excited squeaking and animated discussion about the feasability of making wearable bonsai hats. *Sigh* I'm really going to miss this job....

2007-07-16T10:50:00.000Z

On this grey Monday morning, with a body and soul battered from the weekend there is nothing more tempting than this. Honestly, sometimes all I want is some hens, my husband, a gingham pinny and an Aga. Where once I fantasised over 4 inch heels and haircuts from the creative director, I now dream of a successful and fully stocked vegetable patch.However, the weekend has been great fun and there

2007-06-27T17:28:00.000Z

It was good.I am broken.Contrary to popular belief, dressing up as a space girl and selling salvia and vodka nebulisers to e-tards is not an easy way to make money and pay off nautical debts.Iggy Pop made me wee my pants. Fucking excellent.I love my rats so much.

2007-06-19T14:28:00.000Z

Binliners. Wellies. Plastic ponchos. Tins of corn and curry. Plasters. Ephedrine. Oxygen. Arcade Fire. A pink flowered tent. A reunion of rats. A selection of negligees. A red feathered hat. Storms and rain forecast. Helen as my manager. Beave’s number in my pocket. Some nautical el-wire. A faux fur coat. 12 hour shifts. 900 acres full of brits off their faces. On their faces in the mud. A

2007-06-14T12:42:00.000Z

So Turtle & spent last night trying (and failing) to make a recording of our septic tank slip-slooping around in the hull which, a month since our first pump out, is pretty fucking loud and has become a regular feature of our floating existence. We have become obsessed with using this homely sound as a sample on our cover of Department S’s 1980 stiff records hit; “Is Vic There?” which will be

2007-06-12T09:01:00.000Z

So far, the most important thing I have learnt from living on a boat is: Coots are CUNTS. 5.45 on the dot every morning, without fail, they swim up to an area 5 millimetres from my alcoholic, slumbering visage and make noises like a piglet being slaughtered. Then, once I am uncomfortably awake with no hope of any more sleep they swim off to fuck up someone else's morning. I hate them.

2007-06-07T09:17:00.000Z

When I was younger, and people used to talk about retiring to Spain or immigrating to Oz, I would be shocked and not a little disgusted. With the tune to “Jerusalem” wafting through my mind I would make a silent promise in my heart never to leave Britain. I could not fathom how anywhere could be better. However, as we continue on the slide into Totalitarianism – fuelled by an increasing

2007-06-01T09:01:00.000Z

Brian Haw has been campaigning in Parliament Square against the war in Iraq for six years. The man is a total fucking legend. He is having a party on Saturday to celebrate his anniversary.I'm going.

2007-05-25T10:49:00.000Z

Better. Last night we had our (lovely) new neighbours over for food and bonding and I was enchanted to find out that they have dubbed us “The Pixies.” I like our marina, when the boat is moored safely.Thanks guys for your support regarding banger racing with narrowboats. Boo, yes we have insurance - don't be too shocked now - and Turtle is booked in on a helmsman's course. Dougal: I thought

2007-05-23T08:59:00.000Z

Oh dear. I have not slept at all, dogged by recurring dreams of a drifting boat with no ropes to tie her up.Not surprising really as Turtle and I took XJ on her maiden voyage across the basin last night and did not enjoy it at all. She constantly spun out of control and we very nearly crashed into: Another narrowboat, Liam and Ailsa’s new boat, the fuck-off dutch barge belonging to the marina

2007-05-21T09:18:00.000Z

Last night my husband looked at me and said: “What the fuck am I doing eating raw mushrooms at 1am in the Jury’s Inn in Islington.” I said, “Darling, there’s only one decent response to this situation, let’s go to the bar.” 200 miles from home. Rail replacement service. Deposited in Paddington way later than planned. No keys to boat, no keys to Marina, no phone, therefore no numbers of

2007-05-18T11:23:00.000Z

28 Weeks Later is an intense film. It is not a film you should go see when you are in the grips of nicotine withdrawal (day 1) and are already nursing an unhealthy expectation of the apocalypse. Turtle and I didn’t speak more than 3 words to each other all through dinner after that film. We looked like one of those couples who have fuck all to say to each other and are thinking that right

2007-05-14T12:06:00.000Z

Laying in bed last night in our cabin, Turtle & I got slightly concerned about the fact that our new location is very vulnerable to New Breeds. Thinking it through we realised: 1) We are surrounded by locks North and South of Brentford Island 2) You have to stand outside Narrowboats to drive them; the

2007-05-10T12:05:00.000Z

Newsflash: "Shoreditch Vampire spotted out of his territory in Angel."My boss just saw Noel Fielding in the caff next door. Why?! Why not me?She doesn't even watch the Boosh...I would have stood behind him in the queue and annoyingly quoted all Old Gregg's lines in a quiet monotone. He would have loved it.

2007-05-09T13:38:00.000Z

Our House....In the middle of our street.Hooray!!! Guess which one is ours...yep, the grey one with streaks of rust. Our very own floating, cruising, rusting love shack.God has blessed us with wintry, rainy weather since we moved in on Saturday which only serves to underline how fucking cosy this boat is. We have a kettle that whistles in the kitchen and a globe lamp in the lounge. Bookshelves,

2007-05-01T12:20:00.000Z

Booo HooooooJust posted the following on freecycle:OFFERED: Mint 1975 Kenwood/Pioneer separates systemI am moving to a houseboat and therefore have to let go of mybeautiful but large stereo system. It is in fabulous condition andcomprises of: 5 CD changer, turntable, radio, double cassette deck &, all either Kenwood or pioneer and in a custom built oak case. The previous owner lovingly

2007-04-25T13:06:00.000Z

Fuck Yeah! It's enough to make one cream one's pants. More new breed action. I can't wait....

2007-04-17T15:18:00.000Z

To do before move onto boat in under three weeks. Eeeeeeeeek! Clothes: Sort. Reduce by half, keep sparkly stuff, furry stuff, silky stuff, lacy stuff el-wire embellished stuff and net curtains to make many petticoats. Step up new offensive in war against Turtle’s sock collection.Shoes: Keep only 2 pairs stiletto boots & 2 pairs stiletto shoes, 1 pair flat boots 1 pair ballet pumps, 1

2007-04-16T09:15:00.000Z

The Mother Creature can’t make it on her long awaited trip to India this year due to lack of ££££££s (a family theme for 2007?) So, for her birthday surprise Turtle & I took her to the Swaminarayan Mandir in Neasden yesterday, figuring it was probably the closest thing you could get to India in Europe. We weren’t wrong. It was completely rammed and pretty overwhelming. At first I

2007-04-05T09:02:00.000Z

Oooh.... Team Jurtle have created their first Turtle Cult studio effort, a sign for our bar at the party tomorrow night. It involves white faux fur, blue el-wire and a blacklight. Melikey. It bodes well and it was fun.Only involved a teeny bit of shouting:"Godammit, leave that fucking el-wire and come and clean your teeth."Ah marital bliss.

2007-04-04T12:36:00.000Z

How exciting. Have discovered the following about the land around our mooring: Turner lived there Pocahontas lived there (really!) Shelley lived there Jess Eddie, inventor of the catwalk lived there. John Quincy Adams (US President) lived there There have been two important battles there, one involving King Canute and one involving Caesar. Well. If it’s good enough for them it’s

2007-04-02T16:11:00.000Z

It's Twin Peaks night tonight in Bethnal Green and I have made Millionaire's Shortbread. Yum.

2007-03-30T18:05:00.000Z

Oh my. Turtle and I have been complete drunken bastards this week from start to finish and now that it is Friday I feel like crawling into bed and reading a good book, so battered is my liver. We have not had a hot meal since Tuesday so that would not go amiss either. I am such a bad wife sometimes. However, I have a friend’s birthday to celebrate and pints to consume and so I shall toddle off

2007-03-28T15:08:00.000Z

It’s good. Sinuses full and beer in hand I watched Michelle do a talk on the Flaming Lotus Girls followed by a short film “Viola de Gancha” involving flesh hooks, a viola and two of the Euro burners. Longing and lust for that desert from the Serpent Mother footage were quickly quashed by plans for Nowhere (a technique that the Turtles are getting good at.) Later, on the roof of a

2007-03-23T10:26:00.000Z

Current courtyard installation at the Royal Academy. Fucking amazing. Sharp intake of breath as I entered the courtyard and was confronted with this awesome, ugly, despairing sight which has got the Academy crones chuntering about the way art is going. Nice one Anselm.Later on Turtle and I were walking home through Gt Windmill street when we passed a brothel and overheard the very fit whore on

2007-03-21T16:52:00.001Z

Wasted. Got so shitfaced last night on strawberry beer with Boo, Turtmeister, Richie Roo & Manda that I have spent today feeling rough and eating everything in the building. Apparently we were singing “I love the chosen one” (full version – see Boo’s blog) on the tube on the way home but I don’t remember it so I am denying that this behaviour ever happened. The resulting hangover was

2007-03-20T17:41:00.000Z

Wot a fucking excellent visit that was. So good to see Pepper & Dougal again. Had ice-cream sundaes and then onwards to Gullen. Plunged through a freezing cold gale straight into the North Sea, stopping only to attempt to fly Dougal’s kite. (Now broken.) Learnt the meaning of the phrase “sandblast” and laughed more than I have for months. Went and dried our feet at Pepper’s Mums

2007-03-16T14:06:00.000Z

Tick fucking tock. Got that end of term feeling today. The sun's out, it's really quite hot, and we are going up to Edinburgh tomorrow to see the Sargent and Admiral as well as Faithless. I am most excited. woop!

2007-03-15T16:01:00.000Z

How amazing is the NHS? Cheap drugs (£6.00 prescription for antibiotics), a swift and accurate diagnosis and some dirty jokes with a Jamaican nurse – all in under an hour with no prior appointment. Fuck the Daily Mail readers – I’m proud of our welfare system and yes, it’s failing, but at least we’ve got one. NB – current illness and subsequent miraculous relief of symptoms after

2007-03-12T11:19:00.000Z

This weekend the following things happened: Turtle & walked the Thames path to Greenwich and perved on boats. Mmmm. Boats are hot, especially lifeboats and MFVs. My dad texted me three times in a rage saying the bus driver was a “fucking bastard” as he wouldn’t let my Dad’s pony on the bus. According to my father this is racial discrimination because they let dogs on. I baked

2007-03-08T10:52:00.000Z

This makes me feel homesick. I miss my brother.

2007-03-06T15:28:00.000Z

A brilliant weekend where we all came together for dearest Boo’s 30th. We were raucous and shouty in the woods; some of us did falconry, some of us did class A’s, some of us fell face down in the mud a lot and some of us did too much dancing to shit music. Parties were planned, old friendships strengthened, new ones kindled and history rewritten. Unfortunately, a bit of a catch up in our circle

2007-02-27T10:46:00.000Z

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Patrick Bateman is really quite a nice chap.Turtle and I can’t make the burn this year due to lack of ££££s. Fucking gutted.

2007-02-22T15:35:00.000Z

Feeling rather ropey today due to the fact that I had too much fun last night at Burning Pub. So fucking good to be amongst Burners again. So good in fact that I got a little bit overexcited and, unbeknownst to Turtle, volunteered him to do an acoustic set at Nowhere this year for the indie rock camp.Turtle and I also started making plans for another rather large Burn related project arising from

2007-02-16T11:48:00.000Z

A Life Aquatic? This last ten days have been an eye opener.Fuck a barge. You can get a sound as fuck 117' 1958 cruising residential trawler for the same price as a posh canal boat. Imagine that?! Chugging up through the North Sea and descending on Dougal & Pepper with a megaphone and the announcement that they are so fucking doomed....Turtle and I have discovered that there is a world of nautical

2007-02-05T08:56:00.000Z

Important amendment to lifeplan:Erm...It would appear that Turtle and I might just have bought a boat. To live on. In Richmond and Uxbridge (Got two moorings thrown in for free). She's big (67 foot), she's beautiful and she's ours (almost).We are going to have the most fun ever - cruising our home down the Thames, past the Houses of Parliament, blaring out Fleetwood Mac and then mooring up in

2007-01-23T11:02:00.001Z

Inspired by Dougaldutch’s mammoth 3-year plan I have made my own:1) Eat pies2) Try not to smoke3) Go to the burn4) Make a nest with Turtle5) Eat more pies6) Go to the burn7) Give birth to a small terrapin8) Feed it pies

2007-01-17T17:25:00.001Z

Feeling giggly.....strange things afoot today.1) This morning I found myself discussing the construction and wearing of pink tails with our database manager in the kitchen. (relative merits of fimo or coat hangers as a base construction to aid jaunty tail angle) I like this company. It’s full of people who really understand the vital importance of costuming.2) BBC 2 have just emailed me to ask if

2007-01-16T18:40:00.001Z

WTF?! Very strange indeed....stolen from Boo.

2007-01-16T11:34:00.001Z

My husband has become obsessed with two fictional characters called Piggy McGoo and Duffy Molloy, Midwestern Americans at war over a small town. He makes up endless Cash style songs about them on his guitar and sings them at me while I relax in the bath with a charcoal face pack on.That was Friday. Saturday saw us visiting Freud’s house - which is currently hosting Paranoia, a show which

2007-01-12T10:01:00.000Z

Hels is back.And we celebrated in newly sober style with a really, and I mean really, raucous game of badminton. Yes. Hels, Turtle and I went down the leisure centre and got all competitive. How the mighty have fallen. Perhaps most worrying was the fact that my husband started referring to himself as “Cockboy” during the session.Also worrying is the revelation that Hels and Carla Parr are distant

2007-01-09T10:35:00.000Z

I have given up smoking and with it goes drinking. I am clean as a whistle, virtuosity is my middle name. I smell good and feel bad. Getting up in the morning is a struggle. To compound the torture, I have just devoured Ham on Rye by Bukowski. Henry Chinaski is leading the life I secretly crave. By reading about it I can transport myself there.The fact I gave up my last remaining vices at New

2007-01-02T09:25:00.000Z

Stolen from Boo and modified slightly - A year in review....JanuaryWhirlwind RomanceI am in love with Matt the Turtle in a way I didn't think possible. The whole thing is completely insane - cliches are relevant, nesting instincts are strong and perhaps, most shockingly, Westlife ballads make me well up and I like it. This is undoubtedly true love.FebruaryShow openRight motherfuckers. I’m now

2006-12-18T12:46:00.000Z

So, this weekend, amongst other things I threw sardines out of the bathroom window for the neighbours' kitten, whom they had cruelly locked out in their yard. It was crying excessively, the poor little thing. If they do it again I shall steal it for my own and keep it in my room.This blog has been silent recently as I am currently more than a little harrased, the world of contemporary craft

2006-11-30T14:14:00.000Z

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.It is so unequivocally shite when something really really important goes really really wrong.It doesn't happen very often but when it does, fuck me it's terrible.

2006-11-24T16:28:00.001Z

This is getting embarrassing now.I bought my one of my superiors tickets through my ebay account and for some reason her details have stuck on my profile. Now everything I buy gets delivered to her and she duly opens the parcel before passing it on to me. In the last two weeks this has happened with:1 x large peacock made of sequins and bling30 x peacock feathers2 x sets of led dragonfly lights1

2006-11-14T14:48:00.000Z

Currently completely obsessed with Pogues lyrics.From the sublime:I saw the streams, the rolling hillswhere his brown eyes were waitingAnd I thought about a pair of brown eyesThat waited once for me….To the fabulously ridiculous:At the time I was working for a landlord And he was the meanest bastard that you have ever seen And to lose a single penny would grieve him awful sore And he was a

2006-11-13T11:13:00.000Z

Is there such a thing as time off?Yesterday my husband and I went out, bought the Sunday papers, a crap video, 2 bags of maltesers and five bags of 10p crisps and decided to spend the afternoon in bed chilling. I battled the urge to do the hoovering, clean the kitchen or bathrooms and took the afternoon off. A rare thing indeed. And very lovely it would have been too.However, after a phone call

2006-11-10T15:46:00.000Z

Well it’s a week later and I am sat in the same position (legs crossed, back straight, mouth eating), at the same desk, in the same Islington, thinking the same thoughts about UV white fur blinky dragon-fly black and gold mesh outfits for decom.In an attempt not to appear both stagnant and single minded I shall catalogue what I have learnt this week.• Bengali Tiger fire performances with dancing

2006-11-03T17:14:00.000Z

Dominating my thoughts this afternoon:Blinky dragonfly shrug, white UV fur tie, peacock feather and sequin masks, gold & black mesh arm covers, black feathered hat, Victorian gent morning coat.......playalicious baby, East End style!!!! Over and out. Off home to craft it up.

2006-11-03T14:31:00.000Z

Staring up the arse end of the week.Fabulous stuff. Hello weekend.The Turtles are very very skint and have been housebound since Monday. Therefore, probably the most exciting thing that has happened this week is that the House of Rats has gained a milkman, something which I thought didn’t happen in London anymore. This, however, is not a complaint. I am enjoying my new frugal existence –

2006-10-30T11:28:00.000Z

Oh dear. Having watched 28 Days Later AGAIN last night, I decided to google “New Breed Zombies” in order to learn more about this very real threat to mankind. Imagine my surprise when the only thing that came up from the search was two entries from my very own blog. Fuck’s sakes that is worrying. Is no one else aware of this impending doom? Does the world sleep in blissful ignorance? Are

2006-10-25T16:39:00.000Z

So today at work has been crazy busy, fire fighting left right and centre which in exhibition speak rather than real fire fighters speak means talking down very angry gallery owners after giving them terrible news about their space and trying to persuade them not to pull out of the show, for which the catalogue, (which incidentally I have sweated blood over for the last three weeks) has already

2006-10-24T10:40:00.000Z

In the news today: This person is coming to the House of Rats. Funded by the Beave and Khalil Reiki Charitable Trust for Blinky Trannies. I am most excited. It will be fabulous.My husband has summed up most succinctly in an email what that weekend will be like:"I can see him and Chrissie in the Wentworth arms Jamie: Love and dustChrissie: Come and have a drink with meJamie: What the fuck are we

2006-10-23T10:21:00.000Z

After a meal fit for Roman Officers, 10 rats and honorary rats gathered on the Strand to bid farewell to Hels, off to the Dominican Republic and God knows where else, date of return to Blighty unknown. She toddled off into the rain soaked London night, arm in arm with Ruban shouting “I’m going to shag everything!”This could possibly be true if Ruban’s evil plans come to fruition. Over dinner he

2006-10-09T08:46:00.000Z

Behold, a new Josef has been born. I am an Auntie which means my brother Joshua (“Got any crack Mum/I’m gonna fuckin batter him with a jemmy/I’ve got a nine bar under my bed and I’m only 16”)is a Dad. It barely seems yesterday that he himself was a baby and an ugly one at that.....Although I must admit he was the most beautiful toddler ever. I can't wait to meet my niece, Sky and am hot footing

2006-10-02T12:11:00.000Z

“sweetheart i've brought you a coffee" "hate it" "ill just leave it here" "wah, i'm not getting up!!" "darling..?" "stupid...stupid furby!”Turtle has just emailed me this as a direct transcript of my mood this morning. Oh dear........ It is simply not cricket to call your new husband a “stupid furby” no matter how hungover you are.A quick pint and lunch in Wetherspoons yesterday turned into just

2006-09-29T12:50:00.000Z

*sigh*I love married life... All ye who are cynical of romance avert your eyes now or be offended....Fridays just got more excellent as I sit here at my desk enjoying the prospect of going out and getting fucked up with my husband tonight at a Killa Kela gig after we participate in an installation involving thousands of tiny ceramic bluebirds scattered around the cast courts of the V&A.It’ll

2006-09-28T10:06:00.000Z

I was just reading Boo’s blog and was surprised to learn she has a thing for Gordon Brown. That is odd, I thought. Then I realised that I have a big thing for Osama Bin Laden (beautiful and dignified) and remembered that Carla Parr has a thing for George W.(Ahem)Each to their own, I say. I am glad we’re all weird together in our little Mile End community.

2006-09-26T10:02:00.000Z

So Turtle and I toddled along to a small family dinner on Saturday in St Martin’s Crypt....... only to find that it was not a small family dinner at all, it was a huge fuck-off surprise party complete with turtle themed cake, ceremony, speeches, indie DJ, balloons, childhood photos on the walls, wedding DVD screenings, tons of champagne and more presents than we could shake a stick at.Organised

2006-09-22T09:41:00.000Z

Thank you Banksy.

2006-09-20T09:25:00.000Z

So things are decidedly odd....The evenings are filled with domestic bliss: Jurtle do their washing, Jurtle go to Lidl, Jurtle share delicious house meals with the rats, Jurtle meet on the tube platform after work and embrace in manner of fifties paperback romance.The nights are sweaty and restless, filled with insomnia and nightmares. Last night my dreams featured a strange new society with

2006-09-19T10:04:00.000Z

The desert challenged all my preconceptions once again. This time it was preconceptions from the virgin Burn that were smashed. Some of my expectations of joy, community, sharing & love were broken down as the week went on. It's true to say there were still large fuck-off measures of those things (particularly compared to the default world) but some elements within the Burn conspired to remove

2006-08-16T17:19:00.000Z

So I called my mum at half past eight this morning for a chat. I had already been up for some time sewing the hope flag before I went into work.The conversation went a little bit like this...."Hi Mum, How are you?""Hi Darling." *sounding a little odd*"Oh sorry Mum did I wake you up?""No darling I'm just out in the garden completing 20 Salutes to the Sun (Yoga position) in the rain." Now, I wonder

2006-08-15T16:42:00.000Z

Frantic search for blinkies & fur, desperate pleas for cheap tickets. Realising we don't have nearly enough money for this trip despite everyone's generosity but fuck it; we're going now. Typing all day like a corporate demon and then sewing all night like an east end sweatshop bitch. Finishing the day off with a call to my love rounding up any Burner news.Dragging myself out of bed, eyes